Sunday, 25 April 2010


Whitby, on the north Yorkshire coast, is a very special place, I love everything about it, the rugged coastline, the history, the Gothic connections, it is a place that we have visited several times and have been lucky enough to holiday in more than once.

This is a 'True' story, anyone who knows anything about Whitby will know of its connections to Bram Stoker's Dracula and may have also visited 'The Dracula Experience' - Enjoy.

'Grant & the Vampire'.

Now on the North Yorkshire coast there’s Whitby
Where fresh air and fun can be had
A certain family group up from Stevenage
Went there with old Grant, their dad.

A grand old gent was their Grant
Dressed up all Goth-like and swell
‘He’d a stick with hard black handle
The finest that Boots the Chemist could sell.

They didn’t think much to the seaside
Hundreds of people all milling around
Stuffing chips and feeding the seagulls
That squawked making ‘orrible sounds.

So in search of some entertainment
Looking for, something different to do
They found the Dracula “Experience”
Guaranteed to scare the s**t out of you!

Having paid to enter the establishment
(It didn’t cost much by the way!)
They entered a dark world of gothic mystery
Where, Werewolves and Vampires hold sway.

As they wandered around the old house
With its state of the art special tricks
Bram Stokers ‘Dracula’ was slowly narrated
With set-scenes emphasising good bits.

Now amongst all the animatronics
And special effects as good as can be
The odd actor dressed up like Dracula
Would leap out of nowhere, scarily.

There was lots of shouting and screaming
Laughter and swearing as well
As in the Darkness the Vampire appeared
To cart your souls off to hell

So the brave little party moved forwards
Followed by Grant at the rear
When ahead came screams and laughter
We sensed that old Drac must be near

On the stairs we turned a blind corner
Dimly lit with lights all blood-red
Racing towards us with cape a’ flapping
Came Dracula, oh such terrible dread!

The girls at the front of the party
And the lads as well to be true
Squealed and jumped back sideways
Avoiding vampires like that as you do.

But there in the corridor behind them
Was Grant our hero with his walking stick
Which the vampire didn’t see in the darkness
It went right between his balls & his dick!

It was Dracula who let out a scream then
A cry of horrible pain
What was that? The group in the front said
It’s nothing said Grant, I’ll explain.

If you want to slay an old vampire
There’s no ands, ifs, maybes or buts
The best way is quite accidental
‘it ‘im ‘ard with a stick in the nuts!

1 comment:

  1. We love this one. Your telling of it is so descriptive that it is like watching it happen in front of our eyes!